Позови меня с собой
Я приду сквозь злые ночи
Я отправлюсь за тобой
Что бы путь мне ни пророчил
Я приду туда, где ты
Нарисуешь в небе солнце
Где разбитые мечты
Обретают снова силу высоты

(Алла Пугачёва - Позови меня с собой)

20, Oct

There was an activity in the west campus library, where we paired with International students for some fun activities and challenges. So most International students are from the global south, and some people seemed to have troubles with their personal hygiene.

So I partnered with someone from Algeria. She's called Hanine and has a hijab. I first asked her if she has anything uncomfortable or what she finds offensive. She said no, she's fine with everything. This is confusing. Then I asked and she doesn't eat pork and hates Israel, in fact, she had a Palestinian flag pin. That is some lack of awareness when you are talking to people from the global south! I asked her if she knows MBC, she said yes, it's the largest Arabic streaming site. I asked if she speaks French, she said a little, and then she asked me, "don't you hate Japan? It's similar to our history, you didn't forget right?" I was quite shocked by the weirdness and I didn't say anything. Anyway, as I teamed with her in the activities, she seemed to really care about the games while I just wanted to socialize. I asked if she had been to the high-tech campus and she said no, and she is busy everyday. Anyway, it's hard to match people's vibes here.

Then there's someone from Poland and someone from Russia. The Russian person is called Ksyusha. She's from Kazan. She was surprised I speak Russian fluently but quite cold and reserved. The Polish person is from Gdansk, so it is near Kaliningrad. She is very tall. I know almost nothing about Poland. I asked about Poland-Litva and the cold war history where people would know some Russian there, and how parts of Belarus like Grodno was in Poland, and there is a news website called Onet. She said I know a lot. Overall it's a happy day.

15, Nov

So November 15th I went to the Cultural Festival. I was a volunteer for the Russian stall. There were some volunteers for almost every stall. I met Nina and Artem in the Russian stall. Nina gave me her meal ticket and a card holder. Anyway, she seemed quite guarded and dry, and talked to me in English. Basically the job is very boring - you go there at 11 am, you prepare food and clean, then you leave. There was blasting music or loudspeakers all the time and a million people, it was too loud, crowded, superficial, and cheap. We first hung the Kremlin poster at the back of the stall, and Nina had all the materials. I went to buy double sided tapes and binder clips. The job is basically to constantly give out stickers. Then Nina changed into some traditional rubakha. I talked a bit with Artem in Russian, and he is from Moscow Energy University and here for PhD. There is the French, Polish, and Uzbek stall nearby. Then after 1 pm, another girl arrived, and I didn't even talk to her and she also left quickly. I asked Artem, and he said she is called Oksana.

So I fetched water for everyone several times. I constantly cleaned the garbage and tidied things up for the stalls around me. They cut the cake and handed out postcards, that's pretty much it. It was so chaotic with blasting music on the stage and a million Chinese people were constantly walking around that you can't even easily walk around. There was constantly blasting music. Then Nina went out to hand out stickers as well and left her phone in the open. I reminded her but she didn't appear to care. Anyway admist all the chaos I was just quietly annoyed and didn't care anymore. And finally it was 3 pm and the "festival" was ending. Another woman came, she said she was from Penza, then she went to Saratov, then she went to SPB. But she didn't seem to want to talk much with me either. And they left abruptly. Then I left too. Nina asked how much did I pay for the tapes or the garbage bags? I said around 15 RMB, and she transferred it to me on Wechat and said "thank you for your help".

There are contact numbers for several other stalls so I added them real quick. Adrian is from Poland, Wroclaw. I asked about the "Central Europe" vs "Eastern Europe" thing about Poland, and he said Poland should be in Central Europe. I said I have been to museums in Brest and Grodno and he said these cities used to be Polish. He said he studied in Vilius before. Then there is Gerald from France. He is an MS student in Software Engineering. I said I heard some platforms such as Allocine, Jeuxvideo, or CDiscount and asked if they are popular. He said yes. I know literally nothing about France. He said it's fine and anyway he seems cool.

So one day in late November, I was eating and I saw Artem and the Polish girl eating together in the western campus cafeteria. I went over and said hi, she said she is Kamila. Then I realized I had already added her WeChat some time before.

I don't need therapy or mental counseling. I need socializing. Provincial therapists here do not watch Youtube or speak fluent English.

18, Dec

So I decided to wander into Anhui University. I rode a bike around for a while, then I climbed over the fence easily from the southeast side of the campus. It turned out that the university is a backwater. A lot of the buildings looked old and crumbling. But they have a new campus near Emerald Lake.

On HelloTalk if you cared to look there are many people from different universities, although almost no Chinese people use their real names or photos. I sent out a dozen DMs instantly but none of them landed. Provincial China is conservative and weird.

Anyway, I did get to know someone from Azerbajian in Anhui University called Sana. She was half Russian and speak Russian natively. She was very popular on RedNote with 80k followers. Somehow she replied to me on HelloTalk and I added her WeChat.

30, Dec

Anyway, unexpectedly, Hanine sent me an invitation to the New Year evening party and I signed up for it. The thing is, they didn't seem to invite any Chinese students. So basically, there isn't a Discord server or any formal associations here for foreign students unlike in the US. It's just poorly managed top-down by a few bureaucrats, and students are largely segregated.

I am going to buy a cup of fruit juice for Hanine to thank her for the invitation. So I remembered some time earlier in November, I sent the photos of sunflower park to Hanine just casually, and she said "it was so pure and awesome", and "thank you for remembering me". Anyway, I am going to the new year party on Dec 30th!

Hanine was already at the entrance, she's a volunteer. I said hi and I gave her the mango juice. It starts at 19:00.

It is a room full of the global south, and there are less than 5 white people in a room of around 200 people. There are women in hijabs were carrying babies and people with their children. Some people seemed to have problems with their hygiene. The vibe of the room was like if I was a woman I would not feel safe here. By the way, the global south is really loud, and people are talking Urdu or something nonstop around me. Then there's the Azerbaijani man on the stage who ghosted me earlier. There are also an Indonesian, a Pakistani, and another Ghana woman on the stage hosting. I sat in the back. And there was the dragon waving performance. Then they sang a lot of Chinese songs, and it was not bad to be honest. The global south is singing better than many Chinese people, though I never listened to Chinese music anyway. A person from Ethiopia was reading Libai. Then there was a music chair game. Then I realized it's all about Chinese culture, Chinese martial arts, Chinese pop music, Chinese poems, etc, while the Chinese students weren't even invited here. The vibe is just weird.

Then the Frenchman Gerald walked to the back. He's also with a woman in hijab and they were talking the whole time. I recognized him and I said Gerald. He said he remembers me and we shook hands. Then after a while Gerald left and shook my hand again and said, "nice to meet you."

And I walked up to Adrian and I said hi. He was in business management. He said nice to meet you. He recognized me from my WeChat profile picture. I said, "Wroclaw?" (I pronounced it wrong, it's actually Vrots-wahf) He said yes. He's really short for a Pole. And he's also talking to a woman in a hijab. And the room was roaring in the tug war game, and I just wanted to get out. Then I approached Adrian again. And I asked if he saw Kamila. He said he didn't. I asked if he saw Artem. He didn't know who Artem was, which was strange since they shook hands during the cultural festival. But anyway, they weren't there. He said he was in Shanghai yesterday, and I was also in Shanghai yesterday. He said he took the train at 2 pm, I said I took the train at 1 pm. I asked about the numbers in Polish and it's pretty similar to Russian, except for "jeden" vs "odin". I said "Dzien dobry", and he said that's Polish. I asked about Adam Mickiewicz. (I pronounced it wrong again, it's supposed to be "mits-KYEH-vich") He said he liked the poet and he's been to Vilius where the poet lived. I said I also like reading the Ukrainian poet Taras Shevchenko. He said then you can probably understand Polish. He asked me if I liked the event, and he said it's the worst event ever.

Then there's a woman from Ghana called Aya in a very beautiful dress. She is beautiful. So I took a photo with her.

I was standing idle in the back. Then suddenly they were collecting garbage and the party was ending. So I quickly got up and began to help the volunteers collecting the garbage. Then there was this woman, and she said she is from Tajikistan. Her name is Mali and she is much older than me. She was very surprised that I speak Russian. She said she speaks 6 languages including Turkey and Tajik and a little Chinese, but obviously she's fond of Russian. Hanine, and a black boy, and someone else were also collecting trash. The global south men left the party quickly. They were nearly out of trash bags so I ran to the store and bought some trash bags and water. I gave some people some water, but someone already had trash bags. Then people said happy new year and everyone was leaving.

Anyway the semester is drawing to an end and I better focus on studying.

30, January

Exams ended. I went back to Shanghai.

What happened? Nina asked me to enable roaming for her. She sent me her passport and phone number. And I tried to help, so I contacted the customer service, and then went to a physical store and asked, but they still wouldn't do it. Then Nina said she can bring a book for me. I said I like reading Lermontov. Anyway.

31, January

So I met this person called Dasha on 31st, January. I sent out like 100 DMs on Hellotalk and Tandem and almost nobody responded to me. If you are a woman on those transactional apps, you get flooded with a million messages.

So Dasha is married to a Chinese person. And so she told me we can meet on Wednesday. On Tuesday evening I messaged her and she said she's feeling ill, so we can meet on Saturday. I said I know a Russian bar called Botanical Basket on Wuding Road. And I said I never drink alcohol. She asked me what I drink in bars, and I said juice and sparkling water. And she said she have a Kungfu class on Saturday which ends at 8 pm. It is also on Wuding Road. It was very cold at night.

So I met Dasha there. She had nose rings, earrings, finger rings, a twintail, and a hat. I asked where are we going? She said, maybe a bar? And I said, the Russian bar just over there around 1.3 km away. She said I speak good Russian. Then she quickly called a taxi and paid for it. She said she is from Volgograd, and I said I know Mamyev Kurgan. She said she had never been in that bar. We went into the bar and she quickly paid for my sparkling water as well.

She's an English teacher, working around 4-10 pm, and around 5 days a week online. She could not work legally here. So she worked in Khanty Mansi, then Georgia, then Kazakhstan, then Vietnam as a high school English teacher, then Shanghai now. She cooked a lot in Georgia. And she said she had never been to the West.

Then she started complaining about Russia. She said a lot of her friends do not have fathers. She said the Russian government is trying to block apps, and that 2 days ago was her grandmother's birthday and she couldn't call her. And she said many Chinese apps don't work because they require validation, and she had uploaded her passport but they still wouldn't work. She said in Russia, men must go through conscription, a lot of men beat their wives, and never do housework. I was surprised to hear that. Dasha told me she cares about having fun and people, she cares about the kind people. She said her last name is Mikhailova. She asked which nane I like. I said my favorites names for women are Miroslava, Lyubov, or Nadezhda, while my favorite names for men are Bogdan and Stanislav. She said Volgograd is more expensive than Shanghai but how the wage is only 3000 Yuan a month, and how China is safer and you can trust the police. She worked in Khanty Mansi before, and it paid 20k Yuan a month, but it was brutal. They had to work 10+ hours straight and sleep on a table. She said there are many mosquitos, and that your skin would turn red when you take off your clothes. She said in Russia they took prisoners out, and if the prisoners survive SVO for a year, they become heroes. And they get released, they commit crimes, but they are still heroes. And she said the main park in Krasnodar is built by a man, not by the corrupt government. I asked about Navalny. And she said she cried when Navalny died. And she said men like to fight in school. And she told me when she was ill the boyfriend always wasn't around before, and how her current husband was the first person to do that among her boyfriends.

She likes smoking, and she talked about smoking in China, and her husband started smoking at 15 or something. She asked me how I felt about my life and the time here. I said my life was boring and monotonous, and I didn't have any fun. And she was like, "I feel sorry for you". She said she studied in Krasnodar, and university is the best place for relationships and everyone was dating someone else. I never had a relationship before and she was surprised.

Then we discussed some music and she said she likes Хаски. She told me about Анна Герман. She said she likes folk music. Then she told me about poems such as Mayakovsky, and something by Bordski, and also a poem "Пусть за порогом бродит чёрт". And she said Russian literature is just too sad, it's like a man kills a dog, father kills son, people killing each other.

And I asked her if she wanted new friends. She said she made like 2 Chinese girls friends here in 4 months, and they are shy. And then basically, I told her to look at Hellotalk. But I got zero idea why someone would want Chinese people? Because, basically, normal Chinese don't even speak good English. She doesn't speak English. And we talked about villages. She said she really like villages. I was like, cool, but villages are poor. She said she want to live in smaller cities. And she said most of Russia is too poor. I was like, I would never live in small cities. She told me about Russian accents, and how Russian can make up curse words. I said I know that in the south sometimes g becomes h, and she says there is also an accent in the Urals where they make some sounds long and some sounds short. And some accents are only spoken by the grandmas. And she told me a lot of food, I showed her the foods I had in Belarus and she knew a lot. And she said she could cook Borscht. She identified many of them. Sbe told me about the tofu store around her house and she said it was the best tofu she ever had. She said I can go to her place and she'll cook borscht for me, if I want. I said, is it fine for your husband? She said yes, she said her husband is fine. But then I was like, I can eat anything. And then we talked about her husband. She was like, he's a good man, he trusts me. He is from Nanning. Anyway, she was like, Nanning is good, his family members are fine, and she treats them like her own family. She said the rent here in Songjiang is 4200 RMB per month and in Nanning it can probably get a better apartment. And I said I live in Zhangjiang. The place is near the city center, so it's far from both Songjiang and east Pudong. She did everything, nose rings, ear rings, music, art, Kung Fu, cooking, poetry, marriage at 25, everything. She said she sleeps around 4-6, and wakes up at 1 or 2 pm. She play games with her husband and the night passes fast. I said I sleep at 1-3 am, pretty normal time for my age I think. I already recovered from the previous sleep inversion. I was like, how did you have the time and energy? She said she could have 20 hobbies if she had enough money.

There is a boy called Artem is in Fudan university and man, he talks loudly. He is studying finance. He told me that Yandex is opening here. And he was like, the jobs there are good. I was like, well, I am determined to move to the US. By the way, he has glasses, most Russians don't have glasses. Then there's this Vika person from Belarus with a Chinese guy. The man is quite short, below 170cm, the woman's shorter, less than 160cm probably. Ok, Vika is from Minsk, but she haven't been to Minsk for so long since she was 19 and she lived in Frankfurt. Her face has a pink undertone and she is very beautiful. The man told me they met on Bumble and they are dating. And he doesn't speak much Russian. He said he worked in San Jose for a year for a high salary but came back. He said Silicon Valley was too boring. He doesn't have Green Card. And I told him I would die to move to US as China was too boring for me, and all my times here were just terrible, boring.

And I overheard, in the bar, an American man trying to make a move on 2 Chinese women, both around 30, and the bald American said he's 37. They are all friendly, and the women asked about how he learned Chinese. Then one woman said the other person is lesbian and the American man walked away. And they giggled. And then some people asked me how I studied Russian. I said I just studied it myself as a hobby on YouTube. By the way, there are beggars, two of them, old people selling flowers or so, begging for money. And Dasha gave 10 RMB to each. It was insane. I would never feed the beggars. There are a lot of Russians there from 11-3 am in the Botanical Basket. The number doesn't decrease into the night, it was so crowded. And I went out to buy some cigarettes Zhongnanhai for Dasha and some water for myself. Bro, it was cold, slightly below 0.

One, I don't fit well here. But well, until we find some place better or where we can know people easier, this is the place we'll go for socializing. Ultimately the need for socializing overrides anything else. And in my school I don't get it. The socializing wasn't delivered to me lol. I am having more fun here right with Russians than I had with Chinese students. Anyway, they were smoking so much. And ok, I am the nerd. I never smoked, never had alcohol, and basically I kept wondering how their lives were like this. I am too philosophical. My school career is actively holding me back in conversations. I was almost silent in a bar. Critical thinking is something that would haunt me for life. Smartness and deepness are almost an enemy, but the act of learning Russian is dependent on this instinct, it's inseparable from me. I was deprived of socializing and dating, so socializing was everything. It's as if you are denied meat, then the idea of meat would be the most appealing thing in the world. But if you can have meat, you may find you don't even like eating it, especially low-quality fried chicken.

So we went to the KTV place, 5 people. Dasha called her husband for a while. Artem called a taxi. On the taxi Artem sat in front, and Vika sat on Jackson's lap, and I sat in the middle, and Dasha was on the right. We went from the bar to the Karaoke place. Ok, it wasn't a Karaoke place, just a place to choose music. Literally I wonder how the family functions. I bought water for everyone, but they all drank beer instead, and only Vika drank some water. The new karoake place took 496 RMB, but they split the bills and I didn't pay. They take turns smoking from a pipe, and I smoked too, a little. Then also smoked cigarettes. And they drank beer from a huge bottle. I tried a cigarette finally, I couldn't do it. I dropped the cigarette. And at 5 am Artem was absolutely going crazy. Dasha is 25, Artem is 24, Jackson is 27, Vika is 26, and I am 20. I am the youngest in the tribe, right now. After some time, I'll be older, and if I am to ever go on such a night again, I'll be older than everyone. After so long finally a song I recognized, Zveri "До скорой встречи". And the two people were dating, ok the first time I witnessed something like that so close and so real. And they are cat fighting a bit, or something like that, the man would put his hand on the woman's face, and there's a lot of tugging and pulling. On Wednesday Dasha said she didn't feel well, but does she feel well enough now to stay up till 4, 5 am? She said it wasn't a cold, it was a stomache or food poisoning. I asked Dasha if she writes a diary, she says no. And I was like, you don't write, you will forget about experiences. You'll forget about your childhood. And my diary is 300k words+ total now. And she said she'll still remember things if they are important.

And a group of 8 black people, like 5 women and 3 men, came in, and the couple went out fast. The music was loud as hell and the other people didn't seem to be leaving, so I left. And the night went away as fast as I stumbled into it.

Dasha is full of red flags, if you think about it. She is socially extroverted but almost didn't meet anyone for 4 months in China. And she is at a bar alone at 5 am with single men. I mean, I don't need much social intuition to know that 5 am at a KTV or bar alone is not suitable for typical married woman alone. She hates violent or neglective man, but the very behavior she is engaging in, drinking out at 5 am in a marriage, suggest otherwise.

She paid so much, she drank again and again, like 4 drinks, and she paid for my soda, and it was around 500 RMB for one weekend night alone (1 taxi around 15 Yuan, 4 drinks, 1 drink for me, around 250-300, 20 for beggars, ktv, 496/4=124 , taxi ride home 50-100) while she said she earned like 8000 a month. And I would never do that. Yeah, I eat yogurt and strawberries a lot, and I travel a lot, but I'd never spend it like this. Ok, self-destruction in hedonism is better than self-destruction by doing nothing, and human beings would inevitably decay with age anyway. Anyway, I've never been out 3, 4 am with a group of people, it was just crazy. I've been out at night, 3, 4 am, but only a couple, countable times.

The areas around Wuding Road is full of bars, .

Adult night life is upper level chaos that I am not qualified for yet. I am too literal, and I cannot decode subtexts. My first time intimacy needs to be with someone who has "something to lose" or social accountability, such as a normal university student. I do not want to do it with someone on the fringes of the society.

Two days later, I was going back to Hefei. I didn't have much sleep because I returned home at 6 am that day. And I lost my down jacket in the railway station. I took it off because it was too hot. Then I panicked and I missed the train. And I lost my earphones. It seems like even without drinking, I am still a bit intoxicated. I don't usually lose many things.

3, February

I returned to Hefei. I bought a "rocket" with pastries in it in the USTC bakery. I am going to send it to Dasha to thank her for paying for my drinks and the taxi. Dasha sent me her address, and I wrote, "Дарья Михайлова" on a piece of paper. She said she didn't expect it and she was touched.

So I messaged Sana, who is in Anhui University. She is a quite popular social media influencer, but actually she's quite responsive. Most of her audiences are provincial Chinese people. I didn't have any anxiety because I didn't have anything to lose. I invited her to my university for a visit. She said she really wanted to come and she had never been to USTC before, and sent me her passport and phone number. So I went to the school visitor system and registered it.

4, February

So let's recall what happened today from 4 pm to 6 pm. I went to the southern gate of Anhui university just across the street from USTC western campus at around 15:50. I bought her a yogurt. And Sana came out at around 15:53. She's very tall. She said I speak good Russian. She's 19. Her mother is Russian. Ok, and we crossed the street, she showed the security guard the SMS message, and we were in. Half her hair is black, and half her hair is a whitish blondish color. Her contact lenses are greenish blue. And she wore pajamas. She doesn't speak much English. She speaks Russian natively, Turkish, and some HSK-5 level Chinese.

We walked around the western campus and she kept saying how beautiful and big it is. She said there are around 5 Azerbajianis in her university, but didn't know anyone from my university. I asked her if she wanted to know them. She said no. I offered to take her a photo, but she said no again and just took a photo of herself. I asked if she has any hobbies. She said she like swimming and social media blogging, but she is hiding her social media from her conservative parents. I showed her my TikTok and she followed me. I said how our stem-only university is actually quite boring. She said she got 3 out of 100 in math. Then she paused and took a picture of me and her in the reflection. Then she went into the cafeteria in the middle campus to take a look.

Then we went to the eastern campus. She said she lost direction multiple times. I said it's always very easy for me because you always know which direction is north. I almost never lost myself and I don't need a map to walk around the city. So Anhui University had 2 campuses and she said she'd never been to the other campus before. I asked where had you been in Hefei. She said she had been to the zoo. Ok, not a lot of places. She said her mother is a history teacher. I said I went to Russia once. She said her mother doesn't like Russia and won't let her go to Russia. She said she had been to a lot of bars. I said I don't drink or smoke. And she was like, her parents are conservative and also didn't let her drink, but she drank a lot of alcohol in China. My parents are probably stricter, but with an academic flavor, while her parents are probably more conservative, like, global-south shithole flavor conservative. She said she like Rauf Faik, they are from Azerbajian. I said of course, I also like them too. She said there's a lot of old houses in her school, but USTC looks much more modern. I said, just like Krushchevka. And she said, how did you know "Khrushchevka"? I said, I know it from a song by Bumboks, where it goes like, "Нас в хрущёвке двое, кто мы и откуда." She said she didn't know the song.

So I tried to be a gentleman. I would hold the doors a little bit more, and she would say thank you. We went into the cafeteria in the eastern campus and I slipped her my card. I said you can eat whatever you want. Then I grabbed a pair of spoons and chopsticks for her. She only ate rice and potatoes. Then I asked if she needed water, and I went and fetched water. Then when she finished eating I took her plate away. But I was wearing Invisalign, and when I ate beef, it stuck in my mouth. We went out and I went in a toilet to pick out the food.

Then we went in the school history museum. She said it's the first museum she went into a museum in China. And it felt strange when such a person with heavy styles are looking at a wall full of academic fellows, scientists, or large engineering projects. She took a lot of pictures and told me she only know Mao and Deng but didn't know how they look like. I said I know Aliyev. The school museum is almost 100% math, physics, computer science shit. She would occasionally say something like, "this person looks Russian." Then there's a Russian grammar book from 1958 in the history museum. Finally Sana noticed someone on the wall with greenish eyes and eyelids, so it's probably someone with European or Caucasian heritage.

Then we walked back. On the pavement I let her walk inside and I would walk outside. I said I like watching figure skating. She said do you know Alexandra Trusova? I said I watched her yesterday in the jumping competition. I said my favorite skater is Kamila Valieva. She was very surprised that I knew figure skating. She asked if I like Medvedeva. I said of course, and I like watching a figure skating podcast on YouTube. And she didn't know about that channel. Then she took my phone and looked at my Youtube watch history. It was mostly poetry when I was on the taxi or metro, Lermontov, Tsvetaeva, Ahkmatova, Yesenin, Pasternauk, etc. She said I am talented, and she was like, "how did you speak Russian like that, you must've really watched a lot of YouTube." She ate the yogurt and she said she likes yogurts. She shook my hands and went back.

Anyway, after this I don't feel afraid anymore asking someone out. I mean, it can still get awkward, but I don't fear being awkward anymore.

4, March

My reaction to the Chinese New Year is "Bah, humbug!"

Не для меня придёт весна
Не для меня Дон разольётся
И сердце девичье забьётся
С восторгом чувств — не для меня

(Не для меня)

Ok, I messaged someone called Margarita from Rednote before. She is in Anhui University, and she liked chocolates and coffee. She is from Polotsk, Belarus, and studying Chinese. Then I went into the cafe "USTC-1958" and sent some pictures to Margarita. She said she had never been to USTC before and wanted to go. I said we can meet at 16:00 on March 4th, she said ok, and I registered in the school system.

So it's March 4th. There are too many people in the cafe. I went there and occupied a seat with my backpack at 15:20. And I went to the south gate of Anhui University at 15:46. Margarita came to the south gate at around 16:01. She is very tall. She was very surprised I could speak Russian, and she said I speak very good Russian. I still occasionally messed up the Russian cases, but she could understand me perfectly. And I said, "Polotsk?" She said yes. She asked if I had Russian teachers? I said I learned it myself.

Then we went into the cafe in USTC. So I still had the seat fortuantely. She ordered a coffee and paid for herself real quick. And I was like, I could invite you. And she was like, everything is fine. I said, I'm sorry that there are so many people. She said, it's fine, more people means the place is good. I ordered a milk chocolate. And she showed me her Chinese handwriting and some things she was studying. There are some Chinese phrases, and she would write the Russian definitions next to it. She is HSK 5 level. Then I showed her my handwriting of Russian, "Я помню чудное мгновенье". She said it's "printing style".

She showed me the fields around her home. And she said it's like 10 minutes riding the bike from her home. She said in the summer it's really beautiful there. So she's living in the small houses at the outer side of the small, post-Soviet cities. I asked is it like the 4 or 6 stories Krushchevkas in the center of the city and the small houses on the edge? She said it's like that. She got 6 cats in her home. She asked which city is your favorite in Belarus? I said Grodno. I asked which countries she had been to? She said she had been to Ukraine before the war. But she hadn't been to other countries. She said she had been to Shanghai once, but didn't remember much. She said the air quality is quite bad in China. I showed her the Sunflower park. And she was surprised. She asked me if is this in Hefei? I said yes. She hasn't been around Hefei a lot. Then I showed her my YouTube channel and some drone footages and she subscribed to it.

She said she wanted to do an MS degree later in Xiamen or Shenzhen. I asked her if it's still a Chinese major? She said probably, or it's a business management major. I said "udachi". She's already 23. And I am still 20, turning 21 very soon. She said she must be leaving at 17:00. I asked do you want to visit other places on campus? She said probably next time. It was 16:50. She was probably teaching. She took some pictures of the "I love USTC" sign. She said her roommate is from Spain. She asked if I know other foreigners. I said yes, but we are not very close. I asked her if she had any friends who speak Russian? She said she speaks Chinese with them and can't have deep conversations with them, just things like "what happened this week". So we talked for one hour in Russian.

Loneliness is a disease. It slowly eats up your soul and kills your motivation to do anything else. And it is so painful I still have to go through these last few months in China. Are these the last few months in China for me? It is just overwhelming. I couldn't fall asleep at night at 2,3,4 am despite feeling tired purely because of loneliness.

24, March

So Nina brought a book for me. I met Nina at the library and she gave me a hardcover book "«Стихотворения и поэмы» Лермонтов" and some chocolates "Choco Yan" from Armenia. She said, "Thank you for your help." I said, "thank you so much! I really like it." And she then said "do svidanya" and left in less than one minute.

7, April

I went to SJTU today. And there was the 130th anniversary. To my surprise there were many stalls of post-Soviet countries, including Russia, Belarus, Armenia, Azerbajian, Kazakhstan, and Uzbekistan. Then there was a group of people from Kazakhstan speaking Russian. They said my Russian accent is interesting. I was like, I learned Russian through English. Then at the Uzbekistan there was one woman who is Russian by ethnicity. Then someone is from Krasnoyarsk, someone is from Minsk, etc. I bought some foods from the stalls. I tried to talk to them for a while but they weren't very relatable or chill. They acted quite distant and they are not very talkative with me. Then I went to dinner with my former high school classmate.

15, April

I went to Anhui University again today. I texted Margarita, and she was playing badminton with someone from Chile, likely a Metizo. He was surprised I could speak Russian, and he said he is 24 years old. I couldn't speak much Spanish yet. I asked if it was fine that I invite them later somewhere to eat or go to a park and they said probably yes. Margarita gave me the Instagram of someone called Ksenia in my school. Anyway, I texted Kseniia and I said we can go to lunch some time. She said she can't go out anymore because of academic stress.

18, April

So next Saturday I plan to organize a trip to sunflower park. Here is the basic plan. I plan to have around 4-5 people. I will bring a lot of water for everyone. We will meet at the north gate of USTC west campus at around 1-2 pm, take a taxi there (20-30 minutes), walk around the park, fly the drone, eat, and go back.

So I texted Margarita. Margarita says it's fine, but she's teaching and had to be back at 17:00. I texted Nina, Artem. They did not reply to me for half a day. They said they would not be able to go. Then I messaged Akylai (Kyrgyzstan) and Mali(Tajikistan). Akylai said she has a midterm next weekend but she can go later, and Mali said she have other plans. Gerald replied the next morning saying he is already in Suzhou, Kamila said she would not have enough time, but a dinner some time is fine. Adrian was doing a PhD in business and did not appeared to want to go. So I got into a highly awkward situation. And I texted Margarita and I was like, "I am sorry that nobody wanted go to, but I will still be there", and she was teaching that day.

So the trip was dead. How ironic. If I have a wider friend group with normal people, it's not like I would bother with these annoying introverts at all. I couldn't sleep at 6 am again, suffering from the agony of isolation. It is not fair. I was forced to confront the ugly reality of Hefei everyday.

25, April

Yeah, I went to Sunflower Park alone today. I went on the ferris wheel and filmed the scenery with my drones. It felt terrible. The good times are only good when you share it with someone else. It is just so sad. I am so lonely all my life.

15, May

Ok, I got invited by my mom's colleague's kid to Anhui Medical University. She said there is a sports meeting or something. I am so happy! I am going tomorrow.

So I had a very happy day today!

I went to the Anhui Medical College campus. The campus is really big and nice, with a balanced gender ratio. She met me near the cafeteria and asked what I wanted to eat. Then we finally settled in a cafeteria. I got some beef and happily ate it. Then she bought me a drink. I asked her what had she been doing? She said she had been almost nowhere, except for swimming and eating. The swimming center is around 6 km and she would share a taxi with her friends. She was really surprised I do not care about food. I said, "I don't care about foods, but I want to cook and invite people to a dinner party. Though we can't cook here in USTC in the dorms." She was like, "You don't care about restaurants but you want to cook?" I said yes. She said when she was traveling, she just wanted to eat in restaurants. I said I like to backpack and meet new people.I talked about all the places I had walked around in Hefei, and turned out she had been to Anhui University's new campus near Emerald lake, but she did not know where the lake is and had never been to the lake.

She told me her dorm is really quiet. I was like, "my dorm is super loud, and there is always somebody yelling at a gun game." We talked about studies, and turned out that to go to the MS at their university you have to do close to 90 in every subject. I was below average in USTC, but over half of our students have direct admissions to MS. It looks highly depressing and passive-aggressive to me. I was like USTC students don't study, and they just copy the homework a week before the finals. She asked how do you understand the course materials then? I was like, the CS education is just rote memorizing outdated slides, and we aren't actually learning anything. She said she thought it was a top university or something. I said it depends on how you look at it, and around 20% of students here try really hard. Well, a good university does not force you to obey and grind harder, and we are a terrible university for lifestyle anyway. I said I am going to the US. She was like, she doesn't want to take the TOEFL or leave her home culture, and she thinks black and white people smell bad. Then we walked around, and she kept saying, "there is someone studying over there and do not be too loud." I was like, "people in USTC just went to the halls and started phone calls or played video games." Then she was like, "that's all for the campus." So I went to the student center and she left to swim.

There was a sports meeting today. There was a group of international students. They were very visible because they were mostly Black. I walked around them for a while and they seemed pretty chill. There was a tug war going on and people were cheering, and the International students always won because they are much bigger and more plump. However, they were standing in a corner and it seemed that Chinese people had zero interactions with them, so I had to approach first. So I finally went forward and said hi. They were very easygoing indeed.

Several people said they are from Jamaica. Then there are several people from Nigeria. I said, "Lagos?" They said yes. They asked how I know Lagos, I was like, I don't know, I just know it. I asked if they speak Swahili or Hausa, and they said they speak Hausa. I said "Burna Boy?" They said he is quite popular. I was like I know nothing about Nigeria anyway. I asked if they got Chinese friends, they said no, and they were talking to each other in Hausa mostly. I ended up talking to several people from Jamaica for a while. I told them I am from another university in Hefei and just here for one day. A girl followed my YouTube channel. And they said, "your English is so good." They said they would be leaving China after graduation and going back to their home countries because they can't legally stay, and I was like, "that's so sad, our country is not an immigrant-friendly country." They asked how much the tuition in China cost, and I said 4000 RMB a year in USTC, and it's much higher for them. I said I going to the US this fall anyway. They were surprised. I said I like the ferris wheel and showed some pictures, and they were like, "we thought it wasn't moving". I said I have been to everywhere in Hefei, a girl was like, "I don't like hiking." She asked where to have fun? I said I don't know where to have fun, I just walk and cycle 10-20 km. So I showed them USTC, and they were like, "that's very beautiful." I asked if they wanted to come to USTC and they said their exams would begin in June and end in July, I was like, "I won't be in Hefei by then." A girl asked me, "do you have a girlfriend?" I said, "no." "Are you looking for one?" I am not looking for one right now as I am graduating, leaving China and be in a PhD soon, but I am certainly open when I settle down. Some people are from Morocco, but they are quite light-skinned and I mistook them for white people. I asked if they speak Arabic, and they asked me how I knew it was Arabic. Well, it was pretty obvious. I didn't remember people's names but I got a few new WeChat contacts.

I messaged my mom's coworker's kid and said "thank you for the invitation, I had a lot of fun today in the sports meeting." Then she messaged me back and said, "I thought you were already gone. If you weren't we could have went to the sports meeting together." It turned out she was at the playground as well and somehow we didn't see each other the whole time. Then several days later I gave her a return invite to come to USTC, but she started denying again because of exams.

20, May

I went to Anhui University again. There are some history majors selling something. I bought a water bottle. I said I want to go to the new campus of Anhui University, and if they let me in, I can register for them to go in USTC as well. They said "there isn't anything interesting in the new campus". My friend ping did not land. They only need to say they want to visit USTC, and then we can exchange contact and I can talk to someone for a while!

I went to the Science Island. Last time I went there it was 2022. There is a museum inside it, and somehow there are some old Soviet books inside including writings by people of Soviet Union and Pushkin, and a lot of Soviet math and physics tutorials. Somehow they thought dumping old Soviet books would make the museum more pretentious. But I was so lonely, I went there all alone.

I messaged Ksyusha and Artem. Artem said it's cool and he actually worked on the island, but he never went to the museum. I said I am graduating and when would he be available to hang out? He said not May, and probably not June. Ksyusha said it was cool, and she had never been to the museum. She said she would only go there during the holidays. Actually, they are from the same university in Moscow. How socially inadept!

I tried to invite the Jamaican people to my school. There's someone called Omaria, and it's a very interesting name. Omaria said she would like to come here, but finals are approaching. So maybe she can come with friends the weekend on 5/31. I asked her what was her favorite book? She said she read "To Kill A Mockingbird" and mainly focused on racism as she is from Jamaica. I said my favorite character is Calpurnia, and she said she forgot who is Calpurnia. I said I like the book "Roll of Thunder" about the Jim Crow American south in the 30s. She said she hadn't read the book. Anyway, it turned out she was coming next Sunday.

31, May

Ok, today I invited Omaria and Alexander (her boyfriend) to my campus for a visit from around 13:00-15:30.

So they took a taxi here. They are both quite tall, a little taller than me and around the same height and very good-looking. Alexander had a weird hairstyle and some earrings, which seems cool. I bought a coconut juice and a mung bean juice for them. But turned out they didn't drink the coconut or the mung bean, so I had to throw them away. I bought some melons, but they also didn't eat much of it. We walked to the cafeteria and it was really hot. I asked them what they want to eat? They wanted to eat noodles. I swiped my card.

So turned out they haven't been around Hefei and don't have Chinese friends. Omaria said the Chinese always wanted her to teach English, so it's quite transactional. They can't read Chinese. But there are several other Jamaicans and Africans in that school and "they have each other". Omaria said my English was really good. I was like, English is my main language now anyway. Alexander said he liked Avengers or Spider man. LOTR? Twilight? Mean Girls? Wednesday? Omaria said she watched most of that. It was hard to find someone who watched Mean Girls here. Music? Omaria said she like Drake. I asked if they could tell me something about Jamaica? She said the main problem was walking back safely after dark. She is from Montego Bay and Alexander is from Negril. They were surprised and didn't expect Chinese high school to be like a prison. What don't they like about China? They said people smoking and spitting.

Then we went to near the library to fly the DJI drone for a while. It was my first fucking time to fly a drone with someone other than my parents. I taught him how to fly it on the phone, how to control the direction and make it go up and down. Then they said they were quite hot, so we went to the grocery store and Alexander bought an ice cream.

Then we walked to the coffee shop. I was mostly doing the talking. Omaria bought 3 banana cakes in the coffee shop for each one of us. I showed them the location of the main campus of USTC, Omaria said she remembered some foreigners near the school but she didn't know the main campus was there. I said in California it's mostly Asians. Omaria asked me why? I said because there's tech. And she was like "I hate to say it but that's the stereotype of Asians". And she was like I suppoedly fit the stereotype, and we laughed again. They asked me how my GPA was mediocre and I am still going to the US? I said I am going to Arkansas because my GPA is mediocre, otherwise I would be going to California. Omaria asked about whether I care about sunlight as Chinese people care about their skins? I said getting a tan is fine. Then we went back again to the south gate, and later they each returned me 12 RMB on WeChat for the meal.

I am starved of socializing. In fact, socializing is a drug I am addicted to right now. When I have socializing, I have energy. If I don't have socializing, I do not have any energy left.

8, June

Ok, I met Ksyusha at the university gate today, it was around 15:54. I looked her and I recognized her in a moment and I thought she also recognized me because I had my profile photo on WeChat. Then I said "privet". She said, "одна минута до занятия" and ran away. Later I texted her and said when is class ending? She said around 7/10.

10, June

Today I invited the Chilean person, Favio (pronounced like "Fabio"), to USTC for lunch. I speak just a little Spanish, and he speaks accented English and we communicated decently. He's 24 years old and studying Chinese here temporarily.

I said 20% of people are Spanish speakers in the US so I have to learn the language. Right now I know "por ejemplo", "tambien", "No hablo mucho español", "porque", "que creo", "muchas gracias", "noticias en hoy", "comida buena", etc. He said I already knew a lot of Spanish, and there are only 7 Spanish speakers in Anhui University. He said there are a lot of Russians in his university. Of course almost nobody replied to my DMs on Rednote, I couldn't break into their social circle. I said I only know Margarita.

I asked why he wanted to study Chinese? He said he wanted to integrate. It was funny because China isn't a country where you can just integrate into. He said he studied 1 hour a day during middle school or high school. He said he applied to the government scholarship and wanted to go to Shanghai Jiaotong University, and their school cycle runs from January to December. He wanted an EU job or something after that. He played soccer and badminton, so he have some friends. I asked how to say a "cool person" in Spanish? It was "genial", and I said "una persona genial" and it was funny.

Then we went to the souvenir shop and the library. And class is starting at 2 so we went to the other gate and there are the group of students coming in for classes again, and he was recording on his phone. It was his first time here, and since he didn't know anyone else I reckon he would probably not come here again. So I said "chao". I am so sad.

5, July

Start of July, I came back to Hefei for the final trays of Invisalign. I had some coffee with the Polish person Adrian and the Brazilian person called Lui. There is also a Uzbek person in thick glasses hanging around. Then there is also a Malaysian person, who is also over 30 and in MBA. Adrian is actually 35 and still a student and hadn't started a family - he is doing a business PhD and would go to an internship in Bank of China in Warsaw. He said he made some bad choices and he worked for a while after his undergrad. He is almost 15 years older than me so we are in different life stages. I asked about Inwokajca. It seemed like the history of Poland and Eastern Europe was mostly - there was a war, and the people had to leave. Lui was a physics PhD or something student from Brazil and he doesn't seem too poor. He said his parents are like teachers, and he is going to Russia for a visit. I talked for a while and I got bitten around 30 times by mosquitoes.

In fact, this blog is becoming too embarassing and weird to continue. My miserable exile in Hefei is coming to an end, and it wouldn't be long before I go to Arkansas anyway. It was over 40k+ words and I deleted a lot of the blog.

Я иду домой возможно тише:
Ненаписанных стихов — не жаль!
Стук колёс и жареный миндаль
Мне дороже всех четверостиший.

Чьи-то взгляды слишком уж нежны
В нежном воздухе едва нагретом…
Я уже заболеваю летом,
Еле выздоровев от зимы.

(Сини подмосковные холмы, Марина Цветаева)